| Wow |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|09:57 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
A long time has passed since I have been here...I'm sure you are all happy to know I am still alive. Maybe. I regret to inform you that while much has changed, much has stayed the same. At least it's not getting worse right? Hm, maybe it is getting worse, one always wants to think better of themselves don't they? I'm rambling. Anyways, it's barely 1:00 in the afternoon. I was supposed to be at work for 10:00. I'm sitting here sipping whisky on the rocks, smoking and wondering why the hell Jesse isn't talking to me this time.
Not that I care much, I haven't talked to him in months but I miss him every now and again and it annoys me that he's ignoring me. I'm wishing for the millionth time that I did a better job at keeping this updated...what you see here is only the beginning really. There is so much missing. Justin/Rock Star and I broke up for good. He finally got his dream girl, the slutty Tarah. Last I heard (and I still talk to him often-ish) he still hadn't put out for her yet. It's been over a year. I admit it, it makes me smile just a little.
I moved in with Jesse. That was a disaster. Talk about living in a gay porno. Obviously I moved out. I went back home and things were better. I dunno, my dad's still kind of an ass but I have this wierd attachment to mommy. I have dependency issues apparently. Now I live with Caitie. I'm not really digging that so much. It's a lot like living with Jesse minus the gay porn... Caities brother lives here in a closet. A la Harry Potter. Or at least he sleeps there, which means he and his friends (wich come over almost every night) occupy the living room. Leaving me to hang out in my bedroom. Sound familiar?
Then there's Caitie who has friends over almost every weekend. Noone cleans anything, the house is horrid, I'm seriously considering going back home. Better yet, I want a place by myself. Hehe I also had a brief romance with K. It was awesome until I though it was a good idea to just stick the straw in the baggie...k-holes, not fun. Around the same time I had a brief romance with Nadia. Oh dear Nadia... And I still don't have a car...maybe if I showed up to work more often...meh. I hate my job. I worked at Loblaws until I got suspended for smoking weed on work property. Laaame. Within a week I had a new job working for a mastercard company. Haha, of all places. I'm still there which surprises even me considering how often I show up. The job blows.
Whisky's done. Need a refill... That's better. So I guess curently life is pretty uneventful, considering. I don't really go out much. I prefer to sit in my room, alone , playing with my sims. I am THAT cool. All of my 'friends' have moved on to bigger, better things like parethood and marriage (?) leaving me behind. I sit drink, and smoke away these lonely hermit hours/days/months/years? until I find a new group of friends willing to acompany me down my dark never ending path. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|07:35 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I think i've fallen out of love. I think he still loves me. I'm running out of lies to tell, there's only so much he'll believe. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to stay. I'm just so over everything. I'm clinging to the memories of all the good times we had, but in my heart I know those days are over and I should just move on. We don't have anything in common anymore, we don't have fun anymore. What am I supposed to do? |
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| Letter to Ana |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|06:47 pm] |
Dear Ana:
I offer you my heart, body and soul. I give you all my earthly possessions.
I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.
If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog. I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.
Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me all that's important is that you love me.
If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.
Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.
When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life. I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful payment for my undying love for you in this world.
I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light. |
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| Go Ask Alice |
[Nov. 21st, 2007|11:02 am] |
I have just finished reading 'Go Ask Alice' for like, the million-th time.
This time, however, I couldn't help but notice that reading this girls diary was like reading the story of my life...at least the past 2 years. I was never a 'good' girl, I was constantly in trouble. Never though would I have thought that I would do the things I have done.
Like she, I was willing to try new things, and had fun doing them.
Like she, I know what it's like to need something, and do whatever it takes to get it.
Like she, I have run away from those who love me, and want me to come back home. Walking the streets thinking about what I've done.
Like she, I can not forget it, it's too much a part of me now.
So far we're right on.
Was it really me who did all those wonderful terrible things?
It was. I remember floating, and colors, and beauty surrounding me.
Never had I felt so loved, wanted, and needed.
Every day I wish to have that feeling back.
Every day I feel guilty for indulging.
I agree with the statement 'Once you've tried it, there's no life without it.'
I can't imagine ever giving it up.
Would it have been better to have never tried it at all?
I would never know what I was missing.
Would I give up the best 2 years of my life?
Every now and then I need to let myself go, I doubt it will ever end.
Will I ever be free?
A house? A family? Children?
What will become of me?
>>>We all know the Girl in 'Go Ask Alice' had a tragic ending... :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|11:33 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
Hm, despite waking up with a cold this morning I'm not having an awful day. Origionally I had turned on my computer to complain about the fact that i thought I needed to stop smoking pot, as it makes me hungry and I just can't have that anymore. Well today I ate 10 brussell sprouts, and rode off 100 cals, stepped on the scale and to my *extreme* amazement found that I weigh 75 pounds LESS than I thought I did. Obviously I have some warped views on the way I look. Don't get me wrong, I still have a far way to go. However, maybe I don't need to stop smoking. Which is good, cuz I really would hate to have to give up my sanity. I found this great site, with a bunch of awsome people who completely understand everything I'm going through. Tomorrow will be day 1 of 3 on something called 'the water slide'. I'm excited to try it and hopefully will see some results. If not I've heard good things about 2468 however, the idea of putting 800...even 200 calories in my body in one day is nauseating. There's also something called the ABC diet, though I'm unclear of what it is. If anyone knows...leave me a comment or something. I'd appreciate it. I'm off to work now. I'll let you know how things work out.
Later |
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| Gone |
[Nov. 19th, 2007|02:14 am] |
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How come everything good has to end? I'm sitting here in my room bored with not a thing to do. I've not a friend to call. I had friends...I had so many friends that I didn't ever have to call anyone. I'd just go downtown and was guarenteed to meet some friends. Guaranteed to have a good time. How things change. It's a cycle you see, i know how this works. Up and down. Up was high school, parties and friends, down was the year after, alone with nothing to do, up was Mel and the joy of finally having someone and down again was when she left me. Up was Justin and Jesse and finding out how much more there is to this world, and down is right now. In a way I find it kinda sad. I'm only 21 and I've already had the best time of my life, what do I have to struggle through all the rest of these years for? I doubt anything will ever be as good as it used to be. Is it worth it to have to keep going through the whole depressed deal when something you love is taken away from you? Why can't things just stay good forever? Why can't I keep ALL my friends, and we could all be happy and party until we die. We will all die happy so why does that have to be taken from me? Instead I sit in this stupid room, with not a soul around thinking of how good things used to be. and remembering as well, how bad things got the first time i lost everything. |
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| I wanna talk about ME |
[Oct. 31st, 2007|07:50 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Stranger - Hilary Duff | ] |
Holy fuck, haven't been on here in forever...Hard to believe my entries go back as far as 2006. I also hate my inability to keep up with postings...its been 38 weeks, as if....its been almost 2 years since all this crazyness started. And yet again, my life is dull. As suddenly as it all started, it ended.I mean, in no way has things gone back to like they were before, but my life is currently seriously lacking adventure. What is the point od 'eating' an orange? Does anybody else just suck the juice out and spit out the rest? Prolly not...oh well. Anyways seeing as I have all this free time I should be able to post more often, not that I think anyone still reads this. Hm, whatever, I guess I've been doing this for my benefit all along. It's amusing to read these and remember things. I am embarking today on a new mission. One of self deprivation and longing. I'm tired of not having any great accomplishments. People are going to talk about me for once. ...or again. I can't help it, I need constant attention. I'm like a frikin puppy dog. Currently I've been behaving well enough for people to not pay attention to me. Ha. my garbage is full or orange. Anyways, things are about to change.
I'll keep you posted. And HAPPY HALLOWEEN! |
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| Un-Happy Birthday |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|09:10 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
Yesterday was rediculously pointless and stupid. First of all I was forced to stay home all day by myself. Boring. I played Gears of War on x box. Yeh wow, I suck. You need a huge amount of practice to be good at something like that and people who are good at games like that obviously have WAY too much time on their hands. Then when my ever so wonderful family did get home they insisted on making me get dressed to go out for dinner. I, A. was not hungry B. did not feel like getting dressed and C. did not feel like going out after spending the entire day at home in my pj's. After a lovely yelling match with my mother (her stating that 'it's not always about you Lisa...they're are other people in this family'...) Umm ok I thought it was MY birthday. Anyhow, I got up and got dressed and went out to dinner. 100$ right there that could have went towards my car. We get home and it's time for birthday cake. Woot. I can hardly contain my excitement by now. I blow out the candles, make a wish. My mom cuts the cake and wtf, the cake is white. I hate white cake so I refused to eat it. That made everyone really happy. My mom decided that if I was home more often I could have picked out my cake. Um ok you've only known me for 21 years now. What kind of cake have I had every single year since like ever. Right, chocolate. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing. Then came the presents. I didn't want presents. I want a car. That's all. Why were there presents there? So, I told my mom I didn't want them. Then she started to cry. Ugh. You'd think I'd feel bad but she does this so often that it really doesn't have any effect on me anymore. "Why do you have to be so difficult? You should appreciate what we tried to do for you blah blah..." Yeh? Why didn't you ask me what I wanted first? If we would have just done what I wanted I could have had a happy birthday. So I had a very un-happy birthday instead and I have to find time to go look at cars now. *shakes head* Parents can't do anything right. |
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| Make Shane's wish come true |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|02:10 pm] |
Seven year old Shane Bernier has touched the hearts of many of you. The brave cancer patient at CHEO is asking viewers to send him a card for his birthday May 30th. You can send one earlier, he may not have long left. Shane wants to set a world record for the most number of cards received. You could help make Shanes wish come true. Mail him a card at:
Shane Bernier
Box 484
Lancaster, On
K0C1N0 |
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| Tired |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|01:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
*Yaaaaaaaawn* Another weekend gone and it's monday again. Woot. Here I am at work sleep deprived and grumpy. Friday night we spent at Caities. We did purple hearts, which despite all the talk about them weren't that great. Yesterday night I slept at Jesses <3 He's so cute sometimes. Anyhow waking up next to him this morning just made it all that much harded to leave. A few more months... |
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| Thinking of Jesse... |
[Jan. 26th, 2007|12:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Travail | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | haha BSB...work station | ] |
Last night Jesse and I went grocery shopping for his mom. I absolutely adore his mom and for some stupid reason love the fact that she doesn't hate me. Ok now so the other night for some reason Jesse asked me if I would ever marry him. Of course I said no...then I got to thinking. Here's where I always get myself into trouble. I think my thinking pattern is a little messed up or something. My sense of logic points directly in the opposite position of where it should be pointing. Would I really say no? I love him, and would like nothing better than to spend forever with him. For as long as I've known him he's given up on so many things, but not me. He makes me happy. If I have all that what more could I possibly want? I want kids, with the man I marry. I don't ever want to get divorced, what if he falls in love with someone else? I wouldn't want to ruin what we have right now. I have a problem with doing that. If I am good at nothing else I am good at ruining things. Especially when they're going good for me. It's like a sick attatchment to being fucked up. Like I don't want to LET myself be happy. I could never forgive myself if I fucked things up with Jesse. He's the one good thing in my life right now. If I haven't got anything else I know I've got him. Ew this sounds incredibly mushy but it's true.Lol, I'd prolly cry and say yes without a secon thought if he asked me. I'm such a girl. |
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| Release |
[Jan. 21st, 2007|11:44 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
Darkness surounds me, my everlasting light.
I give in to temptation, for my life I fight.
Hatred courses through me. Pounding fills my head.
My heart races. Cold and alone. A single tear crashes to the ground.
No longer wanting to be contained inside it's supple cage.
Begging for bittersweet release.
Once again the need overcomes me, burning, it consumes me.
I can't help myself. Almost instantly my worries float away.
Everything I've ever needed, I've found in you. My steal saviour.
You breath life back into my bleak, desperate exsistance.
You make me feel again. So good, this feeling.
A high within itself. Head spinning. Dizzying pleasure.
Again and again until I can't take anymore. |
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| Foursom Reunites For Party Chez Caitlin |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|11:01 am] |
So looks like the four have gotten together again for the sake of partying at Caities. Also attending the party were some Pretty Blue Hearts, Some Beautiful Purple Butterflies and a Lonely Orange Goat. Quite the night was had by all. I can't make up my mind how I feel about the whole situation. It's definately frusterating. There was a point when I would have given anything to have things the way they were last year, it just happened so suddenly. Justin is around every day again, we're partying together. It's just wierd. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. Oh well. |
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| Bleh Alcohol |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|10:38 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
I hate drinking. It's so much effort and I feel like crap the next day. So...We (Me, Jesse, and Caitie)drank last night and woot(!) here I am at work. There's nothing better than drinking, staying up all night then going to work for 7 hours. Really, I love it. Caitie was pretty fucking trashed. I was meh, good. Not trashed, just nicely buzzed. K, maybe a little more than buzzed cuz lol me and Jesse ran around Caities block in our underwear, in the middle of january...that was pretty amusing, and Jesse had on Spiderman underwear. Ah he rocks my socks sometimes. I almost fell into a tree though...twice...the same tree...You'd think I'd have remembered it was there. Ah Alcohol. God Damn it and my neck. I look like I had a run in with fucking Dracula. Thank You Jesse, now you don't have to worry about sharing your playthings. At least not for a week or two. Only 6 more hours to go. I finally got my liscence changed from Quebec to Ontario so I'm hoping I can have the van for a while tonight. Ugh but it's stupid cuz they kept my old liscence and it taked 6-8 weeks to get the new one in the mail. I have no I.D. I got lucky 3 times yesterday. Smokes and alcohol and noone carded me. Today I need a God Damn smoke and the stupid fat cunt at lawblaws wouldn't take my health card, or my birth certificate, so now I have no smokes. What a great day. |
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| Happy New Year |
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|11:14 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ??? | ] |
New Years itself, not actually happy. The week leading up to New Years however, was a good week. Jesses mom went away so I pretty much spent the entire week at his house. It was kinda fun. We got TRASHED wednesday night, drank again friday night. I don't even like drinking, but meh.Jesse had his moms car and he'd come and pick me up from work and awww, I loves him. I hope you (Jesse) don't ever erase the entry you made last night. I love that too. As if you actually did it. *smiles* Well, I better go work now. Woot. Later. |
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| Christmas At Caities |
[Dec. 18th, 2006|11:00 am] |
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Christmas at Caities turned out to be interesting. We'd been planning on having our own little christmas for a while but we weren't sure what we were going to do. We ended up doing mush. It was fun though. We opened presents under the tree that we had put up. Justin came over. Ok, well this probably doesn't sound very interesting but it was fun and you're just gonna have to take my word on it. |
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| Techno Church |
[Nov. 26th, 2006|10:55 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | crappy music they play at work | ] |
Woot! Techno Church rocked my socks! I was kinda nervous saturday. Even more so when we got to Loeb downtown to catch our bus and I saw the kind of people standing there. No scene kids...no happy little ravers like I had been expecting. We waited an hour for the first bus but didn't even get on because there were too many people. We waited another hour and a half for the next bus. I was seriously considering leaving.Finally we get to Buckingham. The church wasn't exactly what I was expecting either. I took 3 Blue Hearts and 3 Pink and Blue X's and O's. It was a lot of fun. Except when I puked...Slight bump in the road. Oh well. My favorite part was the closet.I sat in there with everyone. Well mostly Justin. I'm kinda happy he was there actually. I met so many cool people. I loved it. There was a guy names Shawn who let me wear his sweater the entire night because I was cold. It was also nice to hang out with Nic, and Jay and Dave again. Anyways over all it was an awsome experience and I kinda can't wait to go again... |
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| Tonight... |
[Nov. 25th, 2006|01:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nervous | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kate Ryan - Desenchantee | ] |
Wow, Well today is SATURDAY. We all know what that means. Techno Church is tonight. A month ago it didn't seem real, now it's here. I don't quite believe I'm going through with it. I got pink and blue x's and o's. We shall see. I'm like nervous but excited at the same time. Everything has worked out so well for me lately, I hope this will too. Ooooh and I got my stars started! Only a couple, they're gonna end up costing me like 1000.00$ by the time they're done, but they'll look cool. Ha and guess who's manager of the post office? I kinda want to go to Billings and laugh in their stupid faces. Losers, look at me now. Hahaha Jesse; wanna be leprocy twins? Never to be mentioned right? I better go clean up. I made a pretty nice mess today. First day as manager, I wanted to clean up. Right... |
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| Today... |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|12:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work, Woot Woot | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Christmas music... | ] |
I'm at work right now. P.N.R.F'd. Ha Caitie. Andrew you suck. Learn to be on time, or buy a fucking phone. Fuck,I lost my buspass last night. I looked everywhere for it. But, I found my buspass this morning which is good cuz there was no way i coulda lost it and i was pretty pissed cuz only half the month is over. So,yay! I found it in my socks...wierd place to put it, though I'm sure I didn't put it there... but whatever. Oh and wierd. Amanda and Terry are getting married next Aug. 25th. I received an invitation to her wedding last night.Yeh no, I dont think I'll be going. I love that they're playing like really good Christmas music here. I'm in A Christmas-y mood. Grandma's comming over tonight and we're having turkey *droold* and putting up the Christmas Tree. I'm excited. I love Christmas. Well, not really. I love the idea of Christmas. I love the memories of how it used to be. Never happens like that. It declines in greatness as you get older. I would KILL for some chocolate right now. Serialy. Y'know going home wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. I definately love sleeping in my own bed at night and with my own things everywhere, And my Calista! She's there too. Anyways Im bored, so I'm gonna go find something to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2006|07:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | crap radio station | ] |
At work, bored. 2 nights left at Caities. It's gonna be wierd going home and sleeping in my own bed again. It's definately gonna be hard to go to bed without Jesse at night, and to not wake up next to him in the morning. I dunno, part of me loves living with him. Part of me not so much. Like he's messy. He doesn't clean up after himself at all. I know I'm not the tidiest person in the world but fuck.I think I'd go crazy living like that. I dunno. It's just kinda strange with him. Like he's confusing. I don't understand what he wants from me. So much different. I find myself getting so much more easily annoyed with him lately. Anyways aww Joeys so hot. hehe |
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